Friday, November 11, 2011

What Manner of Mother am I?

I ponder this question often, especially when I have the opportunity to spend time with another mother with young children. I always compare our mothering methods, our temperaments towards our children, our patience, our adorance of our children, our knowledge of the world vs the innate knowledge of being a mother, how the gospel is approached and taught in their home. I know, wow, I sound like an obsessively insecure person. But I can't help it, I learn so much about myself in this process. I learn so much about how many mothers there are, how we are all different, but how we all have unique amazing qualities that make us the perfect mother for our child.

More often than not I'm hard on myself and desire to have better, other, more experienced, mothering qualities. Mostly I struggle with patience, grumpiness, and my natural mother knowledge (which is nonexistent). But this always provides the opportunity to reflect on my own two years of motherhood and see how much I have changed in this short time.

Maybe I am just resistant to change, or don't naturally have the mothering gene, but I found the transition from independent woman to whole giver of self kinda hard. Maybe I'm just more selfish than other mothers, but it is not easy for me to drop what I'm working on and run over to my baby and jiggle a toy above their head to please them. It has taken practice and patience as I work to forget my desires and focus on my child's needs. I value this quality in other mothers. How did they get it!?

In my transition to motherhood I did get one surprise mothering ability! From the first night I  could easily wake up and hop out of bed to calm, feed, rock my lonely little infant. I never had a problem initially leaving my sleep behind for my little guy. I greatly missed my sleep, but I could get over that uggg time to get out of bed feelig. I admit now it is sometimes a little harder to jump out of bed at the littlest sound. But I can still do it, and I always feel a warm surge of gooey love when I hold my cranky toddler and he cuddles into my arms.

Anyways, after all the frustration that I'm not like that other "perfect" mother, I remind myself that after all, I've only been a mother for 2 years. Heavenly Father sent Bradley to me, my family, because he knew we would all grow in love and experience together. And, absolutely no one else has ever mothered Bradley Saponas. SO I can stop worrying about being that ideal mother for him, he already thinks I am.


Annie said...

I think you are an awesome mom. :)

Amanda said...

It's so hard to not compare yourself to other moms. Sometimes it's helpful because it motivates you, but other times it just makes you feel crappy. Like, my next door neighbor has 4 kids and her house is SPOTLESS. I'm alternately fired up about cleaning and depressed about how messy my house is when I visit her. But I have to remind myself that she LIKES cleaning. It's how she has fun, or something. It makes her happy to clean and it makes me happy to screw around with my kids and make messes in the kitchen.

I'm sure you are an awesome mom.

Rebecca said...

I often compare my weaknesses with other people's strengths, and I'm sure I'll do the same thing as I go through motherhood. It's great that you were able to point out one of your strengths in this post. It sounds like you have a healthy perspective of the whole thing. I'll bet there are lot's of mothers who aspire to be more like you!

Eileen & Karen said...

I know my opinion may be somewhat biased here, but I truly think you are an awesome Mom! You are tender and gentle with Bradley and not everyone is blessed with that quality. No matter how perfect you think someone is, we all have our challenges. I know your desire to be the perfect Mom was inherited from me, and I'm sorry about that, BUT it is also what drives you to be a better person, and for that I'm not sorry. As parents we have been blessed with the opportunity and challenge to grow our little people into wonderful adults so they too can be a blessing to their own children. I think Bradley is one lucky little kid to have you and Brian to help him reach that potential. And as that journey happens there is nothing more rewarding than the adoration and love that you as a family will share.

Steph said...

You guys are sweet. Thanks. I know I'm a good mom. It is just a question I think about all the time. So I thought I would share.